tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8448437670344001601.post4598591830686254895..comments2023-08-27T08:09:49.677-04:00Comments on an ice cold coca cola: back in the saddlesasha fletcherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05598998278435395487noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8448437670344001601.post-30959465043897396042008-06-11T02:43:00.000-04:002008-06-11T02:43:00.000-04:00i'll do the same with this one, though i dont know...i'll do the same with this one, though i dont know if you care.<BR/><BR/>"in the quiet space between people minding their own business." you need to use AMONG. 'quiet spaces among people'. or something. else, if this isn't what you're trying to say, you need to say what you're trying to say so i know what it is.<BR/><BR/>in the second little room the incongruity with the commas in the first and second little room is kind of confusing. seems like either both 'outside's need commas or neither do. depends on what you want but it seems sloppy. i know maybe its intentional but still. else you should change one of the lines entirely.<BR/><BR/>i think you need a preposition in the second line. like 'inside'. because there comes a little confusion between the qualities of the person and the qualities of the home. <BR/><BR/>also... fourth little room 'while i <I>was trying</I> to do this". past progressive is interrupted by simple past . <BR/><BR/>the sweating beer imagery is great. just yesterday i was thinking of sweating glasses of wine.<BR/><BR/>the progression of action and the imagery in general is nice here. the last line is the best.jolihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12631703591262281693noreply@blogger.com