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the vicarious mfa shows you how to write a paper

for the howard lecture we had to write a 3-5 page paper about something in one of the books that we read for the lecture. we were told that if our paper was great howard would talk to us about how great we are. we were told if our paper was terrible howard would talk to us about how we need to rewrite it if we want to pass the class. we were told that if we were neither amazing nor awful we would never hear from him again.

this is that paper.

Dear Richard Howard,
I am writing to you from Bushwick (which is, as you know, in Brooklyn) where our skies and weather reports have become colonized by a cold and thick rain. I am writing to tell you of this short paper for you, wherein I attempt to chronicle


Jonathan Harker colonizes Vienna. He colonizes Buda-Pesth. He colonizes the lateness of trains using his journal and then colonizes the town of Klausenberg. Jonathan Harker attempts colonization of the Carpathians using the German language and also maps. He then colonizes Bistritz. At Bukovina, the townspeople attempt to colonize his safety in the form of a crucifix. The townspeople also attempt to colonize his safety by bringing him along to Bukovina in a hurry. The Driver of the Strange Carriage successfully colonizes Jonathan Harker and later attempts some sort of colonization with blues flames that sprout out of the ground, which probably indicate treasure. It is possible the blue flames are a form of colonization. The Driver also has fully colonized the wolves of the area.

Jonathan Harker believes he has colonized the castle Dracula and the Count’s real estate needs. The Count colonizes Jonathan Harker’s knowledge of England in order to better colonize England. Jonathan Harker is colonized by fear.

Jonathan Harker colonizes the Count’s knowledge of the area’s history. Jonathan Harker’s veins are nearly colonized by several Vampire Ghost Women in a room he was told to never visit. The Vampire Ghost Women then colonize a baby.

The Count forces Jonathan Harker to write pre-dated letters informing his loved ones of his extended stay in Transylvania. The Count colonizes the Postal Service via Jonathan Harker’s letters. Jonathan Harker’s letters colonize his impending sense of his own death.

The Count colonizes Jonathan Harker’s clothes in order to colonize the veins of babies and also to colonize Jonathan Harker’s reputation and do terrible things to it once it is colonized. Jonathan Harker tries, unsuccessfully, to colonize the Count’s face with a shovel. The Count leaves to colonize England. Jonathan Harker colonizes a river, and later colonizes or is colonized by a convent and its staff. Meanwhile, his fiancĂ©e Mina Murray colonizes the Postal Service through her letters to her friend Lucy Westenra. Lucy Westenra colonizes the hearts of several men (John Seward, Arthur Holmwood, Quincey Morris), one of whom (Arthur Holmwood) colonizes her heart and also her hand in marriage.

The Count colonizes a ship and all of its crew and then begins to colonize England after crashing the ship upon the shore. Soon afterwards the Count begins colonizing Lucy Westenra. John Seward and Abraham Van Helsing colonize the Telegraph Service. They colonize Lucy Westenra’s veins with their blood in an attempt at reverse-colonization. They further enlist Arthur Holmwood and Quincey Morris’s veins and the blood found in said veins. Lucy Westenra is then colonized by the Count. Lucy Westenra colonizes several small children. Lucy Westenra is colonized by a team of men.

Mina Murray is reunited with Jonathan Harker and their mutual love colonizes the institution of marriage. Jonathan Harker colonizes his memories of Dracula into a journal and gives it to his wife as a sort of safeguard against future colonization by traumatic memories. At some point Jonathan Harker sees the Count on the streets of England (which streets the count is continuing to attempt to colonize) and becomes temporarily colonized by his traumatic memories. Jonathan Harker is then colonized by his traumatic memories. His hair has been colonized by the color white.

Mina Murray’s last name has been colonized by the name Harker and now she and Abraham Van Helsing colonize the institution of friendship.

The Count has now colonized several places in England, including a large manor called Carfax Abbey, which is near the mental institution that John Seward directs. In the mental institution is a man named Renfield who hopes to colonize all kinds of life forces (and by doing so take them as his own). His notebook is colonized by figures and the figures are numerical accounts and equations of the flies which are colonized by the spiders which in turn are colonized by the birds and then Renfield colonizes the birds, thus colonizing all that was consumed by the birds (and spiders, etc.). Due to his selfishness and love of life force colonization, Renfield’s will is colonized by the Count.

Abraham Van Helsing has now colonized a portion of his vast knowledge with the knowledge of both Vampiric lore and also the probable history of Count Dracula.

Renfield periodically colonizes escapology. Each colonization attempt leads to Carfax Abbey. Soon, Harker allows everyone to colonize the knowledge that Dracula lives there. They attempt to colonize Carfax Abbey They colonize the Dracula’s containers of dirt with holy water and bits of the Eucharist. Dracula tries to colonize their lives and comfort with rats. The men colonize the rats with dogs. All is well! Meanwhile, Dracula begins slowly colonizing Mina Harker’s veins and possibly her eternal soul.

Renfield attempts to warn the team of colonization attempts. Renfield is ignored. Jonathan Harker attempts to colonize Dracula’s other houses by means of bribery and insistence with movers. Dracula continues his efforts at colonizing Mina Harker.

Through great effort, the men and Mina colonize the knowledge of Dracula’s other houses. Dracula has Mina colonize his blood with her mouth, thus fully colonizing her to him for all his undead life.

The men split up and go to all his houses and colonize the rest of his boxes of dirt with Holy Water and pieces of the Eucharist. Dracula arrives at the house the team has assembled in wait at his last safe house. He attempts to colonize them. Harker attempts to colonize him with a long knife; colonized gold spills forth from Dracula’s chest and he escapes.

Using hypnosis, Abraham Van Helsing colonizes the psychic link between Mina Harker and Dracula. Abraham Van Helsing and Mina Harker manage to secretly colonize Dracula’s mind, which is connected to his ears and eyeballs. While doing so they colonize the fact that he is on a ship. They then colonize the information regarding which ship he is and where it is bound. It is bound for Transylvania.

Using a train (and a train that runs on time, at that), they colonize the railroads to the Carpathians. Using his powers (which are many and varied), Dracula propels the ship he is stowed on to his home in the Carpathians more swiftly than generally assumed possible.

Abraham Van Helsing, in the middle of the night, sets off to colonize Dracula. He is aided and guided by Mina Harker. The Vampire Ghost Women return and attempt to colonize Van Helsing. They also attempt to further cement the colonization of Mina Harker, who is not yet fully colonized. Their colonization attempts are rebuffed, and so they colonize the horses instead. Later, Van Helsing colonizes them in the tombs where they sleep. He then colonizes Dracula’s tomb, so that he can never to it return. The whole team then reunites and attempts to colonize Dracula and his vicious band of Gypsies.

Jonathan Harker colonizes Dracula’s throat with his Kukri knife, and then Quincey Morris colonizes Dracula’s heart with his Bowie knife. The vicious band of Gypsies then colonize Quincey Morris. Dracula has now been colonized.

Later, Jonathan Harker’s sperm colonize an egg inside of Mina, and their love (both physical and emotional), colonizes a baby, who is named Qunicey Arthur Abraham John Harker (or some variation; let’s say it was alphabetical, because that is always easier, so: Abraham Arthur John Quincey Harker, which it rhymes a bit, and that’s always pleasant) and his name is quite long, so it is colonized by the nickname Quincey (in the name of expediency). The book is then colonized by the feeling of Hope.

Yours in colonization,
(Alexander) Sasha Fletcher

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