So here is another one. It is pretty long.
A BOOK REPORT ON VLADIMIR NABOKOV’S LOLITA IN TWO PARTS AND SIXTY-NINE CHAPTERS AS WRITTEN BY SASHA FLETCHER
Lolita is a fun name to say.
Our narrator’s name is Humbert Humbert and he was born in 1910 in Paris and he likes to talk about stuff. He had a mother and a father and even grandparents and everybody liked him because he was adorable and one day his mother died in a freak accident involving lightning and a picnic, but this left him no less adorable.
One day he met a girl named Annabel Leigh and fell in love. Annabel Leigh as a metaphor for Annabel Lee and Annabel Lee was a metaphor Edgar Allan Poe used to describe his teenage cousin who he was in love with and Edgar Allan Poe died in Baltimore of brain congestion. One day Humbert and Annabel [Leigh] went to the beach and then after that she got typhus and died.
Once he finger banged Annabel although it is unclear if that actually happened.
Humbert finds out that he likes girls between the ages of 9 and 14, but only some of them and they are called Nymphettes which is like a little Nymph and a Nymph is a magical and sexy creature that is also elusive and this elusiveness is unsatisfying. Humbert sleeps with prostitutes and is mostly unsatisfied. Humbert dates grown up women with gross breasts like pumpkins and is mostly unsatisfied. Humbert marries this girl because he thinks she’s cute and also petulant [which is I guess kind of like a child?] and then she cheats on him with a Russian guy and then they get divorced and Humbert is still mostly unsatisfied.
Humbert moves to New York and then New York moves him to a sanitarium and then he goes to Canada where he learns that nymphettes do not occur in the Arctic.
Humbert moves to New England and into a house owned by a lady named Mrs. Charlotte Haze who looks like Marlene Dietrich but maybe not in the most complimentary way and he is generally unimpressed but then he meets her daughter and he is all like hello there and Mrs. Haze is all like hey that was my daughter and these are my lilies and Humbert is all like that is a real pretty sight.
Humbert has a journal into which he writes all of his innermost thoughts and all of his innermost thoughts are pretty much all about a girl named Dolores who lives in his house and what she wears and who her friends are and how she is just the cutest little thing and he would just like to eat her up! and by her he means her sweet sweet pre-pubescent pussy.
Humbert has got some ideas!
Alone, together, in the living room, Humbert and Dolores do a little dance of tension and wit.
Dolores is going to be called Lolita now for clarity and also she was sent to summer camp because she is a naughty girl and also we are loosely introduced to Clare Quilty the playwright who will come into play at a later date.
IN A STARTLING REVELATION IT IS REVEALED THAT HUMBERT HUMBERT HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH LOLITA THE DAUGHTER OF HIS LANDLORD!
IN A STARTLING REVELATION IT IS REVEALED THAT CHARLOTTE HAZE MOTHER TO LOLITA HAZE AND LANDLORD TO HUMBERT HUMBERT IS IN FACT IN LOVE WITH HUMBERT HUMBERT! HE MUST LOVE HER BACK OR MOVE OUT! WHATEVER WILL HE DO??
Humbert, confused, gets drunk, alone, and dances in the backyard.
Humbert decides to marry his landlord. Nobody saw this coming.
Apparently an accident will happen soon and also Lolita writes letters addressed to Mummy and Hummy, which is adorable.
Charlotte the landlady-wife wants to hire a live-in German maid and hints at hidden trysts with the live-in German maid and also proposes a swim. A swim is had. Hooray for swimming and its calming effect on murderous thoughts!
When Humbert is sad he doesn’t want to talk to anyone and this makes everyone very sad as Humbert is so nice to talk to. In addition, Charlotte surprises Humbert with a trip to England. Humbert surprises Charlotte with a trip to We Are Not Going to England. Charlotte says ok, and bakes a cake in case Humbert is sad because cakes are delicious.
Humbert, it seems, has been slipping his wife sedatives. Humbert thinks he needs some stronger sedatives, so he goes to the druggist, who suggests he tries golf. Humbert says he doesn’t much care for golf and so the druggist says ok well here are some very strong sedatives instead and Humbert, happily, drives home. When Humbert gets home it turns out that his wife has found his journal into which he writes all of his innermost thoughts and she is very unhappy. Humbert decides to tell her that those were just notes for a novel and then he keeps telling her about his novel and goes to get a drink and when he comes back into the living room Charlotte is not there because she ran out into the street and got hit by a car and died.
Charlotte’s friends John and Jean come over. Everyone is worried about Lolita/Dolores. John says that Humbert should sleep with Jean while John goes to find Lolita/Dolores. Humbert says no and then John decides he should really know what Humber’s plans for Lolita/Dolores are. Then Jean shouts out that Humbert is Lolita/Dolores’s real father not Charlotte’s old husband who everyone believed was Lolita/Dolores’s real father [this is of course not true, but Jean is a landscape painter and so doesn’t quite know what truth really is] and John says oh of course that makes so much sense I am so sorry to bother you.
There are trees and Humbert talks about them. Jean tries to kiss him and he tactfully says hey baby I am not interested but thanks that’s really swell of you and then he goes and looks at his dead wife’s corpse.
Humbert makes a reservation at the Enchanted Hunter Inn for “Hamburg and daughter.”
Humbert has a headache.
Humbert picks up his little Lolita from camp! They have a conversation in the car. Lolita accuses him of not caring about her anymore because he hasn’t kissed her yet and then calls herself a juvenile delickwet and then they go to the hotel and she tells him they’re probably going to commit incest and then he gives her special vitamins and she goes to sleep!
Humbert goes for a walk! He meets a man! He thinks the man says things about Lolita being a hotty that he would like a piece of! The man invites them for lunch! The man is quite drunk.
Humbert opens the door to their room and then magically finds himself in bed in his pajamas. Lolita is asleep. He thinks some thoughts and then they wake up and she kisses him in a way that leads him to believe she has been coached in kissing by lesbians. Then she asks him if he did it when he was a kid and he says no and so she decides to show him how to do it and it is implied that his dick is more than she can handle but she is a trooper and troops on.
Humbert describes what he would paint if he were a painter and it seems a bid florid.
“In the city of Cincinnati [with its stimulating temperate climate] girls mature at about the end of their twelfth year” is a fact that can be gleaned from magazines.
Lolita talks about how Barbara Burke taught her how to have sex. Apparently, at summer camp this summer Lolita and Barbara Burke would get up early and carry a boat with the camp director’s son Charlie and then Lolita would stand watch while Barbara and Charlie had sex in the bushes and then they all started taking turns and it was real educational. After this story Humbert and Lolita go for a car ride and Lolita says Humbert is a dirty man and she should report him for rape but she might be joking and then she says she wants to call her mom and Humbert says you cannot do that and she says why and he says oh well you mom’s dead.
In the town of Lepingville Humbert buys Lolita four comic books and a box of candy and a box of maxi-pads and two cokes and a manicure set and a light-up travel clock and a ring with a real live topaz and a tennis racket and roller skates and binoculars and a portable radio and chewing gum and a see-through raincoat and sunglasses and some nice summer clothes. Then they go to the hotel and they sleep in separate rooms but in the middle of the night she came into his room crying and they made up and it was real gentle
Humber and Lolita travel all over the country! Sometimes Lolita thinks she doesn’t like this anymore and wants to leave and then she says she will report him to the authorities and then Humbert says hey that’s cool but if you do that I’ll be thrown in jail and you’ll become a ward of the state and they’ll just put you away in a room in an institution and you wouldn’t like that would you and Lolita doesn’t think she would so things just keep on keeping on.
Humbert and his little Lolita like to get into fights and kiss and make up and little Lolita likes to wander around and ask if she can go with those two big boys over there to the roller rink please? and also in their free time they like to go swimming and also Lolita is very bad at tennis and also they have sex with each other.
Humbert likes to refer to his world as Humberland. Also they move back east! Hooray!
Lolita is enrolled in the Beardsley School for Girls which is a metaphor for Aubrey Beardsley who was famous for his very pretty erotic drawings and also being friends with Oscar Wilde and also dying of tuberculosis and maybe getting his sister pregnant.
Sometimes people are walking down the street and they say hello isn’t it a nice day to poor Humbert Humbert. Isn’t that rude of them? Humbert sure thinks so.
Humbert has a neighbor named Gaston Godin and Gaston Godin is just like Humbert Humbert except that Gaston Godin likes boys and dies in Europe after an incident on a steamship.
Lolita wants more allowance! Humbert gives it to her! Lolita wants permission to act in the school play! Humbert makes her earn it! Humbert finds out where she hides her money and takes it! Lolita finds a new hiding place! Humbert fears that she will one day save enough allowance to run away to Hollywood or Broadway or the foul kitchen of a broken down roadside restaurant where everything is either soiled or broken or dead.
Lolita likes boys! This disappoints Humbert.
Lolita’s girl friends are disappointing and this disappoints Humbert.
Sometimes Lolita is so pretty that Humbert just gets down on his hands and knees and begs her and begs her and begs her.
Lolita sighs a lot in class and is, it seems, still shuttling between the anal and genital zones of development.
Lolita gets sick and this makes her sad and then she gets better and Humbert throws her a Party with Boys and it is declared a failure. Hooray!
Lolita is in a play called The Enchanted Hunters. You know. Like that hotel where Humbert raped her? Isn’t that hilarious?
Lolita sometimes disobeys Humbert and this makes him angry and he threatens to take her away and lock her up you-know-where and so she runs away! Down the street! To a telephone booth! Humbert finds her! It turns out she hates school and plays and towns! She wants to go on another trip! But please oh please oh please can she choose where they trip to? Well ok says Humbert. Gosh. I’d love that.
That guy Clare Quilty wrote that play about Enchanted Hunters and this is probably important.
America is big.
Humbert has a gun which may or may not be a metaphor but either way it definitely has some stopping power.
There is a red convertible on the road and it is obviously following Humbert and Lolita and also it is obviously being driven by a detective named Trapp who obviously has some sort of sense of humor. Or, the detective looks like a relative of Humbert’s named Trapp and either way he is obviously a detective and obviously following them.
Trouble is afoot.
Acting cultivates deceit. Strange men populate tennis courts. Facts abound at the motor court.
Humbert throws a fit.
Yesterday around two while Humbert was out Lolita checked out with her uncle Mr. Gustave and his black Caddy Lack and they are at Grandpa’s ranch as agreed.
So apparently Uncle Gustave has been following them since they left Beardsley and also he is real literary and has a real sense of humor about his fake names in motel books.
In Dolores Colorado there is an eighty-year-old Indian and his name is Bill Brown.
Humbert writes a poem about Lolita and then has it psychoanalyzed by himself.
Here is Rita! She is pretty! And twice as old as Lolita! And recently divorced from her third husband! For two years she and Humbert cruise along until he goes away to a poets and philosophers retreat where he keeps her in a motel and then she ends up in jail minus an appendix and plus some stolen furs and that was the end of Rita.
Humbert has a mailbox. In this mailbox he finds a letter! From his little Dolly! Golly she’s married and pregnant! They grow up so fast.
Dolly is married to Dick Schiller and she needs some money yes and please so Humbert migrates out to find her ad Humbert’s gun migrates over to his pocket.
We learn that Dolly-Lolita-Dolores had run away with Clare Quilty the playwright just two years after Clare Quilty the playwright got drunk in a hallway while writing a play called the Enchanted Hunters and that Dolly-Lolita-Dolores had known him for most of her life and isn’t it all hilarious? Anyway they went out to some ranch that was probably called Duk Duk Ranch where they made dirty movies and did weird gross sex things and then Dolly-Lolita-Dolores got kicked out because she loved Quilty too much to keep fucking strange men in front him.
The hunt is on!
The hunt remains on, although Humbert stops once for refreshments.
The hunt continues on, with thoughts of death and child-parent relations along for the ride, in the back seat, calling attention to themselves.
Humbert returns to the town where this book called Lolita began to visit the dentist uncle of Clare Quilty and then thinks about his gun.
The hunt continues!
Quilty! Humbert has found you! Do you recall his daughter? Yes? No? Oh! Yes! Your daughter! Well why didn’t you tell me you had a gun? I’d have answered you sooner? Oh what’s that Humbert? You’ve brought a poem to read? Delightful! And it is delightful. Humbert reads the poem and then Quilty offers Humbert this large house they are in and also a young girl with three breasts which is a metaphor for the film Total Recall on the condition that Humbert puts the gun down. Instead of putting the gun down Humbert shoots Quilty while chasing him around the house and then Quilty dies of complications due to gunshots and lust. Then Humbert gets back into his car, which is now parked between two cars, and he drives off.
Humbert is removed from his car and placed into a locked ward and that’s the end of the book.