everything died and it was very quiet and somebody sprayed air freshener for the smell. it smelled like calming. that is exactly what it smelled like. soothing and relaxation would have also worked. my air conditioner has an energy saving option that causes it to go off and on. i use it because it makes me feel like i am responsible about money, and not like i lose track of it because lots of times that is exactly how it goes. i think feeling responsible is really important to me. i would also like to have a beer or a glass of water but someone told me about how they saw a ghost earlier tonight and it reminded me of how i felt when i was a kid up to probably eleven or thirteen and i would lie rigid in bed with the sheets over my head because if i did not then something would get me. anything. ghosts the dead the undead shadows golem from lord of the rings or the things i vaguely remember from the trailer for the people under the stairs. but that one was mainly for when i was in the basement. before i moved i had that happen again. i was in bed and my room opened to the kitchen i was convinced something was in there watching me and it took me over half an hour to get up and close the door because i was paralyzed with fear or something like that. also i am slumping and curling my legs around the legs of the chair and both of these are really uncomfortable and make me far too aware of my body. i have not had sex in a long time, which is not really true but it feels that way. i am stating this as a series of facts and not a ploy. i am over that. i am over several other things like the tree that blocks the view of the building with the scrolling text. also not buying groceries. we will build shelves out of the cats that probably ate lighter fluid if we have to. we will also buy garbage bins so these cats are not encourage to hang out in our yard and eat our garbage. our refuse. or other varmints. like squirrels. or bears. or tree stumps. because there are several tree stumps in the yard. also a bird feeder. which i wanted to carry as a purse. and release birds from at intervals. this should have breaks because it hurts my eyes to read things like that and people need breaks.
i am over getting published and submitting work but that could pass.
i am over personal writing. as this proves.
i want to put my dishes away will you help me
there is talk of putting a kiddie pool on the roof. with an umbrella in the middle. a big one. or just the umbrella. of stimulus checks. which i will not get. because i was dependent.
there are boxes in my room i have yet to deal with and i have so many intentions and sometimes i don't have any and at work i am glad to wear an apron when i get an erection because i wasn't thinking about anything. or how i now have to stay in bed an extra five minutes even though no one sees me until i open my door, i have had my own room 3 times in 23 years, if we are breaking things down year by year this is 2.5 for 23. i have only been published in other peoples blogs. i have eaten too much red meat in the last seven days and it will not leave my colon for probably fifteen years and i will need to eat that many pounds of lettuce to get it out but that's just how it is and i'll give up on the lettuce when i forget about it. because it's not a habit. but i got the glass of water because i had to and it felt like it would to be swallowed by a whale and buried with dirt and it was harrowing until it wasn't anymore and she asked me what it was called when one thing is telling of the next and i wanted so badly to tell her and if i could become someone else i would as long as everything was still basically the same and i want to nail my feet to the roof just to feel something. and nobody ever wants to be told how to feel and you want so badly sometimes to tell them because there is nothing quite like being misunderstood and there is nothing quite like the act of breaking not anywhere and that is a certified fact here is my stamp.