in march I was at the beach and every night I spent
outside on the deck, teaching myself
about how just because you can’t see something
doesn’t mean it’s not still there.
you just can’t see it right now.
this is a lesson the waves are good for.
this is a lesson best taught in the dark.
the bedroom in the new apartment is better at being dark
than the old one. the drapes play a big role
and I’d say so does the space, but somehow
having more space to fill just means the light works harder.
which isn’t to say it’s easier to sleep,
going to bed and thinking about how I wish I had some ice cream
but all I have is beer.
this is what happens when you don’t have a job.
the ice cream/beer dilemma. which bleeds into the rent dilemma,
the imminent future dilemma.
but the fireworks are there, because it’s july
and on our block this means fireworks.
and when I go to bed sometimes
I squeeze my eyes shut so it’s dark.
and I pretend this is the sort of darkness that can swallow the fireworks up.
it doesn’t mean the fireworks aren’t there.
it just means I can’t see them right now.