isn't this what you were looking for?

i have been trying hard

i thought i was something else.
like a small pearl handled revolver or a stained tooth
or the sort of thing that swallows other things whole
or a bird that eats things you need
but not necessarily good things though
or the dead, the undead, an afterlife,
i was up in heaven it was cloudy
or a definition in the dictionary, that seems solid
like a sturdy thing or an old country singer
surrounded by weeping strings and pedal steels
and weeping women singing and everyone weeping.
sometimes, she says, i don’t know what you are talking about.
i feel the same way. i say this in my head. i also say in my head
that it is good she lets me get things off my chest like this.
the other day i thought there was something very heavy on my chest
like an anvil but when i opened my eyes it was a bandit crouching there
and that turned out to be a dream. it was raining.
big surprise right?

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brooklyn, ny, United States