isn't this what you were looking for?

back in the saddle

everyone was praying
as a form of hedging their bets.
and they were all very kind
even though i didn’t know them
so i left because i am afraid of losing myself
in the quiet space between people minding their own business.

outside a storm was coming.
outside, each building had a different lighting scheme.
the lightning was like seeing the glare of a tv
from the corner of your eye.

i walked home slowly until i could hear the rain
and then i tried to walk faster.

i wanted to think about how when i got home
she would be there and i would be dry and it would be warm
and not too humid and i would feel great,
but while i tried to do this i made up a story
about how she was in the taco bar
watching all the people
who looked like they were waiting for somebody
who was running a few days late.
and it was there with the sweating beers
that she saw the trailer hit the delivery truck
and watched as three horses flew
out the back.

1 comment:

joli said...

i'll do the same with this one, though i dont know if you care.

"in the quiet space between people minding their own business." you need to use AMONG. 'quiet spaces among people'. or something. else, if this isn't what you're trying to say, you need to say what you're trying to say so i know what it is.

in the second little room the incongruity with the commas in the first and second little room is kind of confusing. seems like either both 'outside's need commas or neither do. depends on what you want but it seems sloppy. i know maybe its intentional but still. else you should change one of the lines entirely.

i think you need a preposition in the second line. like 'inside'. because there comes a little confusion between the qualities of the person and the qualities of the home.

also... fourth little room 'while i was trying to do this". past progressive is interrupted by simple past .

the sweating beer imagery is great. just yesterday i was thinking of sweating glasses of wine.

the progression of action and the imagery in general is nice here. the last line is the best.

Blog Archive


My photo
brooklyn, ny, United States