time moved at a glacial pace.
they packed up their sorrows
and placed them in the trunk of the station wagon
because they were boring.
they stopped for coffee and
the sign outside ace hardware
advertised a need for self-improvement,
and everything was left over
from a time when everything was a metaphor.
they drove back home down route 22
where four deer lay napping on the 15th street off ramp.
when the rains came, they turned on the windshield wipers
and i don’t know where all the moments went
our experiments in napping didn’t work out
and science has a term for the way things change
when you try and explain them.
i walked down a side street and i
walked down a main street and then
several more things like that happened.
it was late and there was a park with some benches
and i wanted to sit down in it and just not do anything else
but it was too hot. it’s days like these
you think how great it would be if microwaves
had a button to chill your drink.
i wanted to walk to a funeral home because
i saw a movie with these people who were grave diggers
and they just seemed so satisfied
plus i have experience digging.
someone told me they don’t even have undertakers anymore
that they have directors.
this was in the grocery store
which was air-conditioned.
i asked them where the undertakers went
and they said they came by boat.
also they flew.
i got the sense we were talking about different things, and
in the space between intercom announcements
i assumed i heard the sound of a tidal wave.
i just kept walking and so did everyone else.
then a baby started to cry.
and another baby. and then
everyone in the store started to just howl,
to see how that made the babies feel.
or that’s what i had planned on doing, anyway.
my sweat had turned into small drops of ice
and when i walked out the doors they melted.
walked down a main street and then
several more things like that happened.
it was late and there was a park with some benches
and i wanted to sit down in it and just not do anything else
but it was too hot. it’s days like these
you think how great it would be if microwaves
had a button to chill your drink.
i wanted to walk to a funeral home because
i saw a movie with these people who were grave diggers
and they just seemed so satisfied
plus i have experience digging.
someone told me they don’t even have undertakers anymore
that they have directors.
this was in the grocery store
which was air-conditioned.
i asked them where the undertakers went
and they said they came by boat.
also they flew.
i got the sense we were talking about different things, and
in the space between intercom announcements
i assumed i heard the sound of a tidal wave.
i just kept walking and so did everyone else.
then a baby started to cry.
and another baby. and then
everyone in the store started to just howl,
to see how that made the babies feel.
or that’s what i had planned on doing, anyway.
my sweat had turned into small drops of ice
and when i walked out the doors they melted.
6.23
i went up to the roof and waited for the sun to set
a man paced the alley behind the yard
in a way that made me want to give him a sherrif's badge.
if i'd had one i'd have tossed it to him from the roof
and hit him squarely in the eye.
a man paced the alley behind the yard
in a way that made me want to give him a sherrif's badge.
if i'd had one i'd have tossed it to him from the roof
and hit him squarely in the eye.
6.22
she sat in bed staring straight ahead
and dreaming with her eyes open
and that is how things went for a time.
she dreamed of very tall men in several
galloned hates hugging horses
to the ground
of elaborate funeral processions
lead by the recently dead
who also wore hats
and went past the shopping malls
and general stores chanting
praises of convenience.
she dreamed about a huge bowl of pears
that was never empty, or
refilled at night, or whenever it was
that she wasn't looking.
i know all of this because she talks
in her sleep and one day our bed
will swallow her alive but not
tonight or if it does i won't know
and dreaming with her eyes open
and that is how things went for a time.
she dreamed of very tall men in several
galloned hates hugging horses
to the ground
of elaborate funeral processions
lead by the recently dead
who also wore hats
and went past the shopping malls
and general stores chanting
praises of convenience.
she dreamed about a huge bowl of pears
that was never empty, or
refilled at night, or whenever it was
that she wasn't looking.
i know all of this because she talks
in her sleep and one day our bed
will swallow her alive but not
tonight or if it does i won't know
i walked down a side street and i
walked down a main street and then
several more things like that happened.
at some point i walked past a cemetery
and the breeze off the trees was like
sweaty urine and it seemed like
horses were literally dying in the street
just falling over and collapsing on their backs
even if they weren’t
it felt real enough.
previously i’d thought about a great speckled bird
or a giant flood and things like that
but this time i thought what if the cobblestones
were like teeth and the street was just a mouth
just one giant wide mouth
but i gave up pushing that one.
it was late and there was a park with some benches
and i wanted to sit down in it and just not do anything else
but it was too hot.
walked down a main street and then
several more things like that happened.
at some point i walked past a cemetery
and the breeze off the trees was like
sweaty urine and it seemed like
horses were literally dying in the street
just falling over and collapsing on their backs
even if they weren’t
it felt real enough.
previously i’d thought about a great speckled bird
or a giant flood and things like that
but this time i thought what if the cobblestones
were like teeth and the street was just a mouth
just one giant wide mouth
but i gave up pushing that one.
it was late and there was a park with some benches
and i wanted to sit down in it and just not do anything else
but it was too hot.
i wasn’t planning on spending so long in town
the asphalt was like a river.
bear with me: in the heat and on its sides
a large amount of tar had been pushed to the sidewalks
forming something like river banks.
there were several children
and they were all spoiled
in ways that reminded you of milk
and when you thought about them
you wanted to use the expression
"high time"
to the fullest extent allowed by law
and down the street was where we buried everything
or where everything was buried,
and just past that
was the sort of apartment complex
where all the doors had windows
installed.
bear with me: in the heat and on its sides
a large amount of tar had been pushed to the sidewalks
forming something like river banks.
there were several children
and they were all spoiled
in ways that reminded you of milk
and when you thought about them
you wanted to use the expression
"high time"
to the fullest extent allowed by law
and down the street was where we buried everything
or where everything was buried,
and just past that
was the sort of apartment complex
where all the doors had windows
installed.
i wasn't planning on spending so long in town, but that break in the weather
the rooster studied her knee
in a last bid attempt at warmongering.
her stockings blended into her shoes
as she shifter her weight to the cane
and the purse.
it was the sort of apartment complex
where all the doors had windows installed.
it was through one of these that i watched them circle each other
for what seemed like minutes.
in a last bid attempt at warmongering.
her stockings blended into her shoes
as she shifter her weight to the cane
and the purse.
it was the sort of apartment complex
where all the doors had windows installed.
it was through one of these that i watched them circle each other
for what seemed like minutes.
casper the friendly ghost
from my spot on the roof i saw three kids between four and maybe eight
taking turns spraying a dog that i want to call a bullmastiff
although i don’t know what that means
with a very strong garden hose
that they ran from the front of their house to the back.
it was very long
and held together with tape
and other garden hoses.
eventually one kid sprayed another in the face
and then they broke out the bats.
inside a documentary played the following conversation:
“john your pants are on fire”
“isn’t that marvelous?”
there is probably a word in german for this.
taking turns spraying a dog that i want to call a bullmastiff
although i don’t know what that means
with a very strong garden hose
that they ran from the front of their house to the back.
it was very long
and held together with tape
and other garden hoses.
eventually one kid sprayed another in the face
and then they broke out the bats.
inside a documentary played the following conversation:
“john your pants are on fire”
“isn’t that marvelous?”
there is probably a word in german for this.
the sort of situation where everything got hurried
i was either going to bed early or going for a walk.
i went for a walk.
i ended up in a church
which i thought was going to be a bar.
inside everyone was praying
as a form of hedging their bets.
and they were all very kind
even though i didn’t know them.
i left because i was afraid to lose myself
in the quiet space between people minding their own business.
outside a storm was coming
i walked home slowly until the rain came hard enough to hear it
and then i tried to walk faster.
there were two houses set farther apart from the others
and dressed as beach houses.
i thought “this is the sort of thing that would be easier in a vacation community.”
i thought about life as it exists in a storage bin
but it was more the phrase than the condition.
time seemed to move like it was being rerouted.
when i got home i saw lightning hit a building
from a distance.
i went for a walk.
i ended up in a church
which i thought was going to be a bar.
inside everyone was praying
as a form of hedging their bets.
and they were all very kind
even though i didn’t know them.
i left because i was afraid to lose myself
in the quiet space between people minding their own business.
outside a storm was coming
i walked home slowly until the rain came hard enough to hear it
and then i tried to walk faster.
there were two houses set farther apart from the others
and dressed as beach houses.
i thought “this is the sort of thing that would be easier in a vacation community.”
i thought about life as it exists in a storage bin
but it was more the phrase than the condition.
time seemed to move like it was being rerouted.
when i got home i saw lightning hit a building
from a distance.
back in the saddle
i had a dream about a cowboy on horseback
and the horse had big hairy shotgun legs
and was on a bridge overlooking a river
where a man sat facedown.
several feet behind him a wooden leg was pinned to the river bed
with an arrow.
at the shore a woman was yelling
that the water is not even waist deep
you could at least sit up.
jesus christ.
her dress was white earlier
and blew this way and that.
and the horse had big hairy shotgun legs
and was on a bridge overlooking a river
where a man sat facedown.
several feet behind him a wooden leg was pinned to the river bed
with an arrow.
at the shore a woman was yelling
that the water is not even waist deep
you could at least sit up.
jesus christ.
her dress was white earlier
and blew this way and that.
fishbelly
everything was dead and everything was buried
and it was very quiet, wherever it was.
in a dream the coastguard sprayed air freshener
that smelled like reassurance.
i was late to the party and came in through the backyard,
where they were grilling.
in the kitchen they were filleting their own fish
and wagging the skin in the air before they threw them away.
a girl next to me said they smelled like fish belly.
i wanted to ask her what that meant
but i guess it was maybe obvious.
later i folded up a canvas lawn chair
and took it with me down the street
towards the sound of fireworks season
and the sentiment that you would want to build a religion around.
which is just what we did.
and it was very quiet, wherever it was.
in a dream the coastguard sprayed air freshener
that smelled like reassurance.
i was late to the party and came in through the backyard,
where they were grilling.
in the kitchen they were filleting their own fish
and wagging the skin in the air before they threw them away.
a girl next to me said they smelled like fish belly.
i wanted to ask her what that meant
but i guess it was maybe obvious.
later i folded up a canvas lawn chair
and took it with me down the street
towards the sound of fireworks season
and the sentiment that you would want to build a religion around.
which is just what we did.
i told you so
she asked me if the charcoal was ready
and i said yes, but she told me i was wrong.
she said if i don’t see flames shooting up from the chimney
then the charcoal isn’t fucking ready yet.
the chicken has been sitting there not cooking
for easily half an hour.
last night while i wasn’t looking,
lighting also hit a baseball field,
exploding all the trees and the chain linked fence
and scattering them across the outfield,
down the street from where we buried everything
or where everything was buried.
i wanted to ask her if she thought about digging up corpses
and holding them on trial for ridiculous things
or actual crimes. either one.
she asked me if i think a lot about death and dying
that she had read people do this often.
i said no.
and i said yes, but she told me i was wrong.
she said if i don’t see flames shooting up from the chimney
then the charcoal isn’t fucking ready yet.
the chicken has been sitting there not cooking
for easily half an hour.
last night while i wasn’t looking,
lighting also hit a baseball field,
exploding all the trees and the chain linked fence
and scattering them across the outfield,
down the street from where we buried everything
or where everything was buried.
i wanted to ask her if she thought about digging up corpses
and holding them on trial for ridiculous things
or actual crimes. either one.
she asked me if i think a lot about death and dying
that she had read people do this often.
i said no.
the sort of situation where everything got hurried.
today i was reading about all these conceptual crimes
where people go into houses
and empty all the cupboards
placing all the dishes neatly on the floor or counter.
or turn the thermostat up to 90
so all the floorboards warp.
this is the sort of thing that would be easier in a vacation community.
i was thinking about life as it exists in a storage bin
but it was more the phrase than the condition.
and time seemed to move like it was being rerouted
and the other night i saw lightning hit a building
from a distance.
where people go into houses
and empty all the cupboards
placing all the dishes neatly on the floor or counter.
or turn the thermostat up to 90
so all the floorboards warp.
this is the sort of thing that would be easier in a vacation community.
i was thinking about life as it exists in a storage bin
but it was more the phrase than the condition.
and time seemed to move like it was being rerouted
and the other night i saw lightning hit a building
from a distance.
fishbelly
“i had no idea how long i was there.
but that it was warm most of the time
and i kept feeling like i should have found someone else
or a series of skeletons,
or something.
i am thinking about inventing a word
for when you keep waiting for something to happen
that feels imminent but never comes.”
this is what i told her sitting up in bed, staring at a far wall.
she asked how i got out and i told her i didn’t remember.
that i probably woke up before that happened.
but that i remember there were all these people
and everyone was so kind,
even though i didn’t know them
she said that was probably a different dream.
i breathed hard through my mouth twice,
and said you are probably right
but she was asleep then.
but that it was warm most of the time
and i kept feeling like i should have found someone else
or a series of skeletons,
or something.
i am thinking about inventing a word
for when you keep waiting for something to happen
that feels imminent but never comes.”
this is what i told her sitting up in bed, staring at a far wall.
she asked how i got out and i told her i didn’t remember.
that i probably woke up before that happened.
but that i remember there were all these people
and everyone was so kind,
even though i didn’t know them
she said that was probably a different dream.
i breathed hard through my mouth twice,
and said you are probably right
but she was asleep then.
back in the saddle
everyone was praying
as a form of hedging their bets.
and they were all very kind
even though i didn’t know them
so i left because i am afraid of losing myself
in the quiet space between people minding their own business.
outside a storm was coming.
outside, each building had a different lighting scheme.
the lightning was like seeing the glare of a tv
from the corner of your eye.
i walked home slowly until i could hear the rain
and then i tried to walk faster.
i wanted to think about how when i got home
she would be there and i would be dry and it would be warm
and not too humid and i would feel great,
but while i tried to do this i made up a story
about how she was in the taco bar
watching all the people
who looked like they were waiting for somebody
who was running a few days late.
and it was there with the sweating beers
that she saw the trailer hit the delivery truck
and watched as three horses flew
out the back.
as a form of hedging their bets.
and they were all very kind
even though i didn’t know them
so i left because i am afraid of losing myself
in the quiet space between people minding their own business.
outside a storm was coming.
outside, each building had a different lighting scheme.
the lightning was like seeing the glare of a tv
from the corner of your eye.
i walked home slowly until i could hear the rain
and then i tried to walk faster.
i wanted to think about how when i got home
she would be there and i would be dry and it would be warm
and not too humid and i would feel great,
but while i tried to do this i made up a story
about how she was in the taco bar
watching all the people
who looked like they were waiting for somebody
who was running a few days late.
and it was there with the sweating beers
that she saw the trailer hit the delivery truck
and watched as three horses flew
out the back.
it figures
i get up out of bed and go to the window
earlier she said to me “what’s it called
when one thing is telling of the next”
i think the words what the fuck.
the vinyl drapes are down
they are what were in the closet when i moved in
and also exactly like the ones in elementary school.
i told her she was describing being predisposed
and she told me i was wrong,
which i probably was.
i go downstairs for a glass of water
and as soon as i walk out of my bedroom door
i am convinced someone is watching me
and they are probably a ghost or a dead person
and i walk down the stairs and stay close to the wall.
i wish there was a light in the fridge, but there isn’t.
i make it upstairs without incident
and stop shaking slowly.
earlier she said to me “what’s it called
when one thing is telling of the next”
i think the words what the fuck.
the vinyl drapes are down
they are what were in the closet when i moved in
and also exactly like the ones in elementary school.
i told her she was describing being predisposed
and she told me i was wrong,
which i probably was.
i go downstairs for a glass of water
and as soon as i walk out of my bedroom door
i am convinced someone is watching me
and they are probably a ghost or a dead person
and i walk down the stairs and stay close to the wall.
i wish there was a light in the fridge, but there isn’t.
i make it upstairs without incident
and stop shaking slowly.
they hit horses right in the face with hammers i saw them it was ok
everything died and it was very quiet and somebody sprayed air freshener for the smell. it smelled like calming. that is exactly what it smelled like. soothing and relaxation would have also worked. my air conditioner has an energy saving option that causes it to go off and on. i use it because it makes me feel like i am responsible about money, and not like i lose track of it because lots of times that is exactly how it goes. i think feeling responsible is really important to me. i would also like to have a beer or a glass of water but someone told me about how they saw a ghost earlier tonight and it reminded me of how i felt when i was a kid up to probably eleven or thirteen and i would lie rigid in bed with the sheets over my head because if i did not then something would get me. anything. ghosts the dead the undead shadows golem from lord of the rings or the things i vaguely remember from the trailer for the people under the stairs. but that one was mainly for when i was in the basement. before i moved i had that happen again. i was in bed and my room opened to the kitchen i was convinced something was in there watching me and it took me over half an hour to get up and close the door because i was paralyzed with fear or something like that. also i am slumping and curling my legs around the legs of the chair and both of these are really uncomfortable and make me far too aware of my body. i have not had sex in a long time, which is not really true but it feels that way. i am stating this as a series of facts and not a ploy. i am over that. i am over several other things like the tree that blocks the view of the building with the scrolling text. also not buying groceries. we will build shelves out of the cats that probably ate lighter fluid if we have to. we will also buy garbage bins so these cats are not encourage to hang out in our yard and eat our garbage. our refuse. or other varmints. like squirrels. or bears. or tree stumps. because there are several tree stumps in the yard. also a bird feeder. which i wanted to carry as a purse. and release birds from at intervals. this should have breaks because it hurts my eyes to read things like that and people need breaks.
they do.
i am over getting published and submitting work but that could pass.
i am over personal writing. as this proves.
i want to put my dishes away will you help me
there is talk of putting a kiddie pool on the roof. with an umbrella in the middle. a big one. or just the umbrella. of stimulus checks. which i will not get. because i was dependent.
there are boxes in my room i have yet to deal with and i have so many intentions and sometimes i don't have any and at work i am glad to wear an apron when i get an erection because i wasn't thinking about anything. or how i now have to stay in bed an extra five minutes even though no one sees me until i open my door, i have had my own room 3 times in 23 years, if we are breaking things down year by year this is 2.5 for 23. i have only been published in other peoples blogs. i have eaten too much red meat in the last seven days and it will not leave my colon for probably fifteen years and i will need to eat that many pounds of lettuce to get it out but that's just how it is and i'll give up on the lettuce when i forget about it. because it's not a habit. but i got the glass of water because i had to and it felt like it would to be swallowed by a whale and buried with dirt and it was harrowing until it wasn't anymore and she asked me what it was called when one thing is telling of the next and i wanted so badly to tell her and if i could become someone else i would as long as everything was still basically the same and i want to nail my feet to the roof just to feel something. and nobody ever wants to be told how to feel and you want so badly sometimes to tell them because there is nothing quite like being misunderstood and there is nothing quite like the act of breaking not anywhere and that is a certified fact here is my stamp.
they do.
i am over getting published and submitting work but that could pass.
i am over personal writing. as this proves.
i want to put my dishes away will you help me
there is talk of putting a kiddie pool on the roof. with an umbrella in the middle. a big one. or just the umbrella. of stimulus checks. which i will not get. because i was dependent.
there are boxes in my room i have yet to deal with and i have so many intentions and sometimes i don't have any and at work i am glad to wear an apron when i get an erection because i wasn't thinking about anything. or how i now have to stay in bed an extra five minutes even though no one sees me until i open my door, i have had my own room 3 times in 23 years, if we are breaking things down year by year this is 2.5 for 23. i have only been published in other peoples blogs. i have eaten too much red meat in the last seven days and it will not leave my colon for probably fifteen years and i will need to eat that many pounds of lettuce to get it out but that's just how it is and i'll give up on the lettuce when i forget about it. because it's not a habit. but i got the glass of water because i had to and it felt like it would to be swallowed by a whale and buried with dirt and it was harrowing until it wasn't anymore and she asked me what it was called when one thing is telling of the next and i wanted so badly to tell her and if i could become someone else i would as long as everything was still basically the same and i want to nail my feet to the roof just to feel something. and nobody ever wants to be told how to feel and you want so badly sometimes to tell them because there is nothing quite like being misunderstood and there is nothing quite like the act of breaking not anywhere and that is a certified fact here is my stamp.
melville
a whale exploded on a truck in delaware the other day
but that was months ago.
whales are apparently not to be left in the sun.
we were understandably worried
when one showed up on the beach.
the coast guard came by
with umbrellas for everyone
but they didn’t expect so many people
so they passed out some ponchos
and then later garbage bags.
the whale burst but everyone had their eyes closed
and missed it but would probably not recount it that way
they were going over how to describe it from the sound
when someone walked up to what was left of the whale.
he said “i was adrift
i got swallowed by a whale
and buried with a mouth full of dirt
and dressed up as a horse and tackled to the ground
and earlier today i was swimming
in the bowels of my subconscious
struggling with the human condition
but there was a bee in my towel when i got out.
and i looked at it, and it looked at me.
and that was it.
i thought this was the whale
but i never got a good look at him.”
but that was months ago.
whales are apparently not to be left in the sun.
we were understandably worried
when one showed up on the beach.
the coast guard came by
with umbrellas for everyone
but they didn’t expect so many people
so they passed out some ponchos
and then later garbage bags.
the whale burst but everyone had their eyes closed
and missed it but would probably not recount it that way
they were going over how to describe it from the sound
when someone walked up to what was left of the whale.
he said “i was adrift
i got swallowed by a whale
and buried with a mouth full of dirt
and dressed up as a horse and tackled to the ground
and earlier today i was swimming
in the bowels of my subconscious
struggling with the human condition
but there was a bee in my towel when i got out.
and i looked at it, and it looked at me.
and that was it.
i thought this was the whale
but i never got a good look at him.”
i got this friend
some days i stand on the black top of the roof
and nail my feet in place
and try and see the giant boot that says boots in neon.
which is the sign for a country and western dance bar
that has gone under.
when i go to sleep standing up i wake up
laying in a topless box that smells like cedar
and whose sides look exactly like the pylons
under the fort washington train station,
where all the concrete looks like wood paneling
and they lower this box down and load it full of dirt
and as it fills my mouth i think about all the places
where our sweatshirts didn’t do us no good,
and how there will be more room for baggage now.
lord knows they love that.
and nail my feet in place
and try and see the giant boot that says boots in neon.
which is the sign for a country and western dance bar
that has gone under.
when i go to sleep standing up i wake up
laying in a topless box that smells like cedar
and whose sides look exactly like the pylons
under the fort washington train station,
where all the concrete looks like wood paneling
and they lower this box down and load it full of dirt
and as it fills my mouth i think about all the places
where our sweatshirts didn’t do us no good,
and how there will be more room for baggage now.
lord knows they love that.
on a day just like this
i was born in a wide open space in a cardboard box turned upside down
when i stretched i would open my mouth wide and
let the pigeon shit slide down my gullet.
once, on a day just like this,
i was passengering around washington avenue
where they were selling crabs
and saw an acne scarred mexican
holding his arms like he was giving himself up
or running for reelection
in my head a great speckled bird
descended from the clouds
and swallowed him whole.
shrines would be built on the corner
and everyone would stand around
like a fire drill.
when i stretched i would open my mouth wide and
let the pigeon shit slide down my gullet.
once, on a day just like this,
i was passengering around washington avenue
where they were selling crabs
and saw an acne scarred mexican
holding his arms like he was giving himself up
or running for reelection
in my head a great speckled bird
descended from the clouds
and swallowed him whole.
shrines would be built on the corner
and everyone would stand around
like a fire drill.
tomorrow is another day
they sat across from each other at the chipped table
drinking from separate cups.
the linoleum was covered with whales.
she told him he had better watch out,
or she was going to slide a frozen disc of her own pee
under his bedroom door at night.
he said but it’s our bedroom door.
the air conditioner started up suddenly.
he thought about what it would be like to be swallowed by a whale.
she turned and coughed, thinking about a man she once saw
tackle a horse to the ground.
she remembered its legs were like felt shotguns.
she remembered how he hugged it.
overhead, a swarm of unmarked airplanes
flew by.
drinking from separate cups.
the linoleum was covered with whales.
she told him he had better watch out,
or she was going to slide a frozen disc of her own pee
under his bedroom door at night.
he said but it’s our bedroom door.
the air conditioner started up suddenly.
he thought about what it would be like to be swallowed by a whale.
she turned and coughed, thinking about a man she once saw
tackle a horse to the ground.
she remembered its legs were like felt shotguns.
she remembered how he hugged it.
overhead, a swarm of unmarked airplanes
flew by.
before the flood
i dreamed that everything was quiet and everything felt calm
standing on the roof, looking out at the circus tent
obscuring the skyline
and the rooftop basketball court that looks like a prison.
my feet pressed the black top
and i felt like punching myself in the throat
or putting a nail through the bones of my foot
without breaking them
when suddenly everything below the third floor was under water
and i was swallowed by a whale.
standing on the roof, looking out at the circus tent
obscuring the skyline
and the rooftop basketball court that looks like a prison.
my feet pressed the black top
and i felt like punching myself in the throat
or putting a nail through the bones of my foot
without breaking them
when suddenly everything below the third floor was under water
and i was swallowed by a whale.
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